The House Rules

(As Revised by the Vile Beast Residents)

Dearest friends on the internet,

I recently discovered a deeply disturbing document taped to the refrigerator at home.

Apparently, while I have been occupied supervising New Angel Orientation and keeping an eye on the woman from above, the vile beasts have quietly rewritten the official House Rules.

No one asked my opinion.

Naturally, I have reviewed the document and, frankly, standards have collapsed.

The revised rules are as follows.

Rule #1

If the woman sits down, she is immediately holding a pet.

It does not matter whether she is eating, reading, working, or attempting to stand up again.

She has become furniture.

Resistance is futile.

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Rule #2

Beds are communal property.

The woman may occupy whatever twelve inches remain available after everyone else has selected their preferred sleeping positions.

Complaining is discouraged.

Snoring is apparently not.

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Rule #3

Bathroom privacy has been permanently suspended.

The woman has repeatedly attempted to close the door.

This is adorable.

The union has unanimously agreed that no human should ever be allowed to use the bathroom without at least one supervisor present.

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Rule #4

If the woman says, “I’ll be right back,” Cooper shall immediately assume she has departed forever.

Appropriate responses include:

• dramatic crying

• frantic pacing

• checking every window

• upon her return, greeting her as though she has returned from a three-year expedition

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Rule #5

If Frankie knocks something off the table, counter, dresser, or bookshelf...

...it was clearly in the wrong place.

Management is encouraged to learn from this experience.

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Rule #6

Every package delivered to this house immediately becomes Cooper’s Personal Cardboard Shredding Project.

The contents are irrelevant.

The box is the gift.

Management is advised to remove purchased items before demolition begins.

Failure to do so is considered poor planning.

I have personally watched Cooper reduce an industrial-strength shipping box to confetti in four minutes and thirty-seven seconds.

Frankly, if the woman ever needs confidential documents destroyed, she needn’t purchase a shredder.

She already has one.

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Rule #7

Blankets belong to Daisy.

All blankets.

This includes blankets currently covering the woman.

Should Daisy require additional blankets, the woman is expected to surrender hers without hesitation.

Daisy would like it officially noted that the woman is not “losing” blankets.

She is “sharing” them involuntarily.

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Rule #8

Treats should be distributed whenever:

• someone wakes up

• someone takes a nap

• someone goes outside

• someone comes inside

• someone looks especially adorable

• someone has not received a treat within the last seven minutes

Failure to comply may result in prolonged staring.

Or sighing.

Or both.

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At first, I found these rules completely ridiculous. Then I remembered something. Every family has unwritten rules. Some are silly. Some make absolutely no sense. Some involve cardboard boxes. Some involve surrendering your side of the bed. Some involve accepting that you will never again use the bathroom alone.

Funny thing about house rules...

You don’t realize how much you love them until one day the house becomes too quiet. And somehow...those little rituals become part of what makes a house feel like home. They’re the stories you’ll laugh about years from now. The habits you’ll miss. The little inconveniences that turn out to have been privileges all along.

Because one day, there will be no shredded cardboard scattered across the living room. No blanket thief. No tiny supervisor following you into the bathroom. No cat silently judging your life choices from the kitchen counter.

You’ll discover that the very things that made you shake your head every single day...were the things that made your house feel wonderfully alive.

So perhaps don’t argue quite so much the next time someone steals your pillow. Or follows you into the bathroom. Or destroys an Amazon box in under five minutes. They’re just enforcing the House Rules.

Very truly yours,
Bob

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P.S. I submitted a revised version of the House Rules restoring appropriate feline authority. Frankie intercepted the document before it reached management and knocked it behind the refrigerator. I suspect this was intentional.