An Official Intervention Regarding Extremely Poor Life Choices

Dearest Cooper,

Sit down. Actually...Stay sitting down.

This conversation has been a long time coming.

I have received deeply disturbing reports from multiple reliable sources, including the woman and your former foster mom, that you have developed what can only be described as an unhealthy obsession with stalking bees.

Bees, Cooper!

BEES!

When I first heard the accusation, I assumed there had been some misunderstanding. Perhaps they meant butterflies. Maybe moths. Possibly even those aggravating squirrels.

But no.

Bees.

According to the official records, you actually caught one last year. And it stung you….In the mouth. Your entire face swelled up until you reportedly resembled a disappointed walrus.

Did you learn anything from this experience?

Apparently not. Because every time the woman opens the front door, you immediately begin scanning the skies like a tiny air-defense system looking for airborne targets.

A bee flies past...You lunge.

A yellow jacket buzzes by...You lunge harder.

Something vaguely insect-shaped appears within a fifty-foot radius...You attempt to drag the woman across three lawns and into next Tuesday.

Cooper...I need you to listen carefully.

There are certain creatures one simply does not eat:

• Cactus.

• Porcupines.

• Electrical cords.

• And anything whose entire personality revolves around carrying tiny venom-filled spears.

This is not difficult, Cooper.

Furthermore...have you considered that the bees are not bothering you? They’re simply trying to go to work.

Imagine you’re flying to your flower...And suddenly a giant beagle comes charging out of nowhere yelling,

“I HAVE DECIDED YOU ARE TODAY’S SNACK!”

You would find this upsetting.The bees probably feel the same way.

Now...Let’s discuss the woman.

She already spends every walk making sure you don’t haul her into shrubbery while pursuing rabbits that, I might add, have absolutely no interest in being your friends. Now she must also spend the entire walk conducting aerial surveillance.

Every buzzing sound sends her into DEFCON 1. She immediately begins shouting things like...

“LEAVE IT!”

“COOPER!”

“NOT THE BEE!”

“STOP TRYING TO EAT THE POLLINATORS!”

Unfortunately...You are completely deaf. Which means these instructions are heard by:

The neighbors.

Three squirrels.

Two rabbits.

Several confused bees.

A passing Amazon driver.

But not you.

You, meanwhile, continue charging toward your airborne snack with the confidence of someone who has learned absolutely nothing from last year’s swollen-face incident.

The woman returns home physically exhausted...Emotionally depleted...And sounding as though she has spent the afternoon coaching a football game.

Quite frankly...It’s rude.

Therefore, I am implementing a new household policy.

You may continue sniffing flowers. You may continue admiring butterflies from a respectful distance. You may even continue pretending rabbits are part of an international conspiracy against beagles.

But from this day forward...The bees are off limits.

They are not snacks.

They are not toys.

They are not spicy sky raisins.

Most importantly...They have already demonstrated a willingness to stab you directly in the face.

The woman has repeatedly attempted to explain this to you. (Very loudly, I might add.) Unfortunately, the only creatures capable of hearing her are everyone except the one she’s talking to. Even the bees now recognize her voice.

I fail to see how this relationship benefits anyone.

Very truly yours,

Bob

P.S. I have spoken with several Angel bees here in Heaven. They asked me to tell you that they are becoming increasingly uncomfortable with your behavior.

P.P.S. The woman would also appreciate completing one neighborhood walk without having to explain to strangers, “No, he’s not aggressive...he just wants to eat the pollinators.”